My Big Mistake
by Fingersnaps
Summary: Tim has had enough of Abby saying 'I love you', and he tells her not to say it again, not unless she means it...WARNING Fluffy McAbby


6

**My Big Mistake**

I can remember exactly when things changed; it was right after that assassin threatened to kill Tim. He looked so sad; Tony told me that Tim had said he should join a monastery. So I decided to cheer him up the way I always do, I waited 'til he had to come down to the lab and I told him.

"You shouldn't let it get to you Timmy, you know I love you!"

"Don't Abs…not right now."

I stepped closer, to give him a hug, but he pulled away.

"No Abs, you use those words all the time, they don't mean anything to you any more. You say 'I love you' to Tony, Ziva, Ducky, heck probably even Gibbs. And I know you do love them, I know you love me. But when I give my love; not my affection; when I truly am in love, that's when I'll say those words, to the woman I would like to share my life. That is, if there is anyone out there for me…and maybe there's not…maybe I'm destined to be alone…"

It was so rare for Tim to open up like this about himself that I hardly dared breathe too loud; I wanted to tell him he was too good a man to be alone, that it wasn't his fault that this woman had used him to try and get information. He looked up at me with a sad little smile.

"I don't really know why I'm telling you this, you seem to find it so easy to get into a relationship, how would you understand what it's like for the resident geek?"

"Hey Tim, my 'relationships' are not always so great; look at Michael Mawers!"

That got another smile out of him.

"Hadn't thought of him, hey, that puts us even I guess. We've both been in a relationship with someone who wanted to kill us…difference is, even in his wild and wacky way, Mawers did love you, sick and twisted as it was, it was a kind of love. That woman…she set out from the start to use me."

I reached out my hand to hold his, and this time he didn't pull away from me, he lifted his head and I could see the deep sadness in his eyes.

"Oh Abs, what am I doing wrong? Do I go round with a sign on my forehead; 'desperate single man, wants to find love, a wife, have children one day…be part of a family?' Is it too much to ask? I want to tell a woman I love her, to mean it from the bottom of my heart, and to have her love me back…You see Abs, that's what I want, stupid huh?"

"No Tim…not stupid, it's what most people want."

"Then how come I never hook up with one of those people? How come I get the sickos and the weirdoes, murderers, thieves…heck, you're the most normal woman I've ever gone out with, and even you didn't want me."

"It's not that I didn't want you Tim…but…I'm not sure we wanted the same things, I mean, can you see me married with children?"

He shrugged.

"Guess not."

His phone rang and he answered it quickly.

"Gotta go Abs, we got a sighting on Duffy."

Tim went running for the stairs, he hardly ever used the elevator these days; but this time I think he was just glad to get away as fast as he could.

I didn't see him much for a while; either I was in court, or Tim was, there were reports to write. Then the team caught a new case and Tony and Ziva had to bring back a witness from Paris. So Tim was really busy; then some psycho crazy guy tried to run Tim down, and Gibbs got hurt pushing him out of the way. I had to give Gibbs a hug when he got back, a careful hug, because of his arm, and when I looked over his shoulder, there was Timmy looking so forlorn. I knew he would be feeling guilty so I went over to his desk, pulled him to his feet and gave him a big hug.

"I'm so glad you're okay Tim, when you called from the hospital I was worried…about the two of you, I lo-"

But he put a finger to my lips.

"No Abs…what did I tell you? No more, not unless…well you know…I need to get my report done before Tony and Ziva get back."

Then he was all business again; and I'd been shut out.

That's how it was for another few days, lots of work, some bowling, a concert…but none of it with Tim, and I missed him. I missed us working side by side in the lab, I missed him asking me about the bowling, he always liked to know how Sister Rosita was doing, I missed his smile, and his laugh…how long had it been since I'd heard him laugh?

I started to think about Tim's life…how things had been working out for him just lately. He still wasn't over that evil assassin woman, and I know he felt really guilty about Gibbs' injury, Tim's been trying to make it up to him, that's why he crashed out in my lab; poor baby…I was happy to let him borrow Bert, I could see how tired he was when he came down here looking for somewhere to rest. Tim had told me to leave my music on, he said that he was so tired he'd even sleep through Brain Matter, and Plastic Death playing at the same time, but I wanted him to have peace and quiet, so I was using my ipod, being careful not to sing along, working quietly, and keeping a check on the time. 2 o clock he wanted me to wake him.

I checked the clock, so I know exactly when it happened. 1.30…I stopped what I was doing and just watched him, his mouth slightly open, hands across his chest, I took out my earphones for a minute and listened to him breathing, and for a second I felt dizzy. I took a deep breath and waited for my heart beat to settle.

What was wrong with me? It was just an exhausted Timothy McGee sleeping soundly, looking as childlike as he always does when he's fast asleep. Even with his less rounded features, he still managed to look so baby faced so innocent…so vulnerable...so loveable, Sleeping Beauty, and I thought, should I wake him with a kiss, that would really get his eyes open! Oh...oh no Abby, wrong fairy tale, and that was the moment I saw it, how had I been so stupid? Like everyone else, I've been concentrating so much on how Tim has changed, his increased confidence, the weight loss, his snazzy new wardrobe, the easy way he talks with everyone; I had completely lost sight of the fact that essentially, he's the same kind, decent, honest…gentle man that he was when we first went out for lunch all those years ago…but with more maturity, more life experience…and I suddenly understood, I do love him, not like I love Tony, or Ducky, not even like puppies…just having him around, I feel…complete. Oh no Abby! Don't go there! I had my chance; he'll never believe me now if I tell him.

So when I woke him up I made a joke and let him go back to work; but he still looked tired, and I thought about what he said...about Africa...made an impression he said. I'd never asked him, not really asked him, about what happened out there, I could see he'd been hurt, but I was so worried about Ziva, I focussed all my attention on her...and I lost sight of Tim. I shouldn't have done that, but he seemed to be coping okay, so I left him. I didn't socialise with any of them for a while, they needed time to be a team again, to get back to where they were before Ziva went back to Israel. But I should have asked him out for a drink, for dinner, taken some time out of my social schedule to ask one of my dearest friends how he was after flying thousands of miles, into the unknown, to ask what had happened out there, how it had changed him.

Well, it wasn't too late to put that right, I asked Tim out for a drink. We talked about Somalia, about his fears, his determination to be there for Tony, his need for the team to be back together again; he even told me about the nightmares he'd had when he got home. Nightmares when he didn't wake up, when Saleem discovered he was faking unconsciousness and shot him in the head, when Tim missed Tony's code word and they all ended up dead. I was glad we were sitting in a booth because it meant I could sit right beside him and put my hand in his...he was trembling a little as he talked about it, and I'd missed all this...too wrapped up in my own agenda as usual. I'd let him deal with this alone.

I wanted to tell him my true feelings that night, but his emotions were so raw, he was so vulnerable, it wouldn't be fair, so I told him something else, something true.

"Tim, I am so sorry that you had to go through all that, and I'm even more sorry that you didn't tell me...about the bad dreams...but I never asked...and...and I never told you how proud I am of what you did for Ziva, for the team. I was so worried all the time you were over there; then you all came home; when you all walked out of that elevator I thought my heart would burst. I wanted to hug you all...but Ziva looked so sad...and lost...Tim, I know it's a little late...but can I hug you now?"

He reached out for me, and as I put my arms around him and held him tight, he whispered.

"You never have to ask permission Abs."

After that night I figured if Tim wouldn't believe me when I tell him I love him, maybe I could show him...

So I tried to show him how much I cared, I made him fresh home made salads, surprised him with a chocolate cupcake, had Nutter Butters waiting when he came down to the lab. We went for walks at lunchtime, or sat by the river; just talked, got reacquainted…then, one morning I was processing some new evidence, asking myself when I should tell Tim, should I take him to dinner? A movie, or a concert, then drinks later? No Abby, you've put this off too long, tell him now. I called the squad room and asked him to come down.

A few minutes later he was with me, and suddenly my mouth was dry, and my heart was racing. He looked puzzled.

"Abs...you okay?"

"Tim, I...I think I've made a huge mistake."

"With the evidence? Abs, don't worry, we can put it right."

He came and stood beside me, as he had so often; he took my hand and gave a reassuring squeeze. I couldn't resist, I kissed his cheek.

"No, not that Tim, Major Mass Spec is still hard at work. No, the mistake I made...it was with you...with us."

He stepped back then and raised his eyebrow.

"Er, what did you do?"

"I thought it was Sleeping Beauty, you know, wake you up with 'true love's kiss', but I got my fairy tales messed up...Tim, please tell me I haven't made a mess of everything."

He was looking totally confused...I wasn't doing this right.

"Oh, the fairy tale...you know the saying, 'before you meet your handsome prince you have to kiss a lot of frogs."

He nodded slowly, and I could tell he still had no idea what I was talking about. So I put my arm through his and leaned my head against his shoulder.

"But Tim, because, you know, I have to do things my own way...I got it wrong I think...I kissed my prince seven years ago, and since then, I've been kissing the frogs."

"Abby…"

"No, let me finish, I have to say this. I know I've said it too many times, but Tim…you have to believe me. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life, and it will always be one of my biggest regrets that it took me so long to realise…please don't tell me it's too late Tim, I don't think I could bear that."

He was speechless now, so I decided it was time to go for broke. I took his face in my hands as I had done many times before, and I looked into his beautiful eyes and tried to show him how much I care.

"Tim, you told me not to use those words again unless I really meant them…well, not only do I love you, I am in love with you…and more than anything else in the world I want you to be able to tell me…I know it seems sudden, but it's not…I've been slow…and stubborn too I guess, so determined to be the Goth about town, game for anything...anyone...I forgot to open up my heart…"

I let him go, and stood in front of him, waiting…had I managed to convince him? Or were there too many years of me saying those words without really thinking about them?

I couldn't bear it, I'd left it too long…he couldn't believe what I'd told him, my own stupid fault…

Then I saw it, that smile…the one that lights up a room…and I knew…he took my hand in his, and lifted it to his lips.

"Abby Sciuto, I love you!"

THE END

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